“I love criticism - just so long as it's unqualified praise.”

“I've over-educated myself in all the things I shouldn't have known at all”

“Never trust a man with short legs. His brains are too near his bottom”

“Put somebody you love in the audience in your mind and work for them,”

"Extraordinary how potent cheap music is."

“Time has convinced me of one thing: Television is for appearing on - not for looking at”

"Trust your instincts. If you have no instincts, trust your impulses."

“Certain women should be struck regularly, like gongs”

"I am not a heavy drinker. I can sometimes go for hours without touching a drop."

"I have a memory like an elephant. In fact, elephants often consult me."

"I have always paid income tax. I object only when it reaches a stage when I am threatened with having nothing left for my old age - which is due to start next Tuesday or Wednesday."

"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

"If you must have motivation, think of your paycheck on Friday."

"It is discouraging how many people are shocked by honesty and how few by deceit."

"It was not Cafe Society, it was Nescafe Society."

"My body has certainly wandered a good deal, but I have an uneasy suspicion that my mind has not wandered enough."

"People are wrong when they say opera is not what it used to be. It is what it used to be. That is what's wrong with it."

"Success took me to her bosom like a maternal boa constrictor."

"The higher the building the lower the morals."

There's always something fishy about the French."

"Wit ought to be a glorious treat like caviar; never spread it about like marmalade."

"Work is much more fun than fun."

And finally:

“My importance to the world is relatively small. On the other hand, my importance to myself is tremendous. I am all I have to work with, to play with, to suffer and to enjoy. It is not the eyes of others that I am wary of, but of my own. I do not intend to let myself down more than I can possibly help, and I find that the fewer illusions I have about myself or the world around me, the better company I am for myself.”